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So it's been a while but I have a thought to share....often we are afraid of something wounding us but i wonder how often it is the fear that wounds us even more that the thing we are actually afraid of.

Everything's Changing

I agree with people when they say that the teen years are hard...but I seriously disagree with the notion that teen years are the hardest years...at this point being a twentysomething has been incredibly difficult - I mean, in terms of processing everything from faith to life experiences to loss to gain and everything in between. As Colleen put it, the teen years is when the crap happens but you deal with the aftermath of it all in the 20s (or late teens). Does it get easier after this point of reflection in one's life? I wonder what it's like to be fully adult, not that I am incredibly eager to find out.

Things are changing, I'm changing, and honestly it's really really scary. Really scary. But I think it's for the best and my mom agrees so yeah my mom still likes me. hehe.

At any rate, life is going well. I guess that's an understatement =D =D =D

peace will finally find its home inside your churning brain
you'll end this brutal battle and forget what was done in vain

argh

ugh do you ever wish you could just vomit out your life history to someone or even a group of people just to explain who you are so that maybe they'll get you? once again i am afraid of being misunderstood by people and i guess i feel the need to defend myself, which probably isn't necessary. i was telling someone that i felt like a basketcase around them because they are so quiet and calm and gentle and i had mentioned that i was seeing a counselor and talked a little about that to answer one of their questions...but i didn't give the whole story and i know in the big scheme of things its not that important but man sometimes i wish i could just tell people the whole dang story so maybe they could understand. maybe people don't need the whole story but i think i would want to hear theirs too ...anyways i guess i just feel like i need to defend myself...i want to explain who i am and who i once was to people and i'm not sure why i am feeling this way. i guess i just feel really insecure right now, like i have to defend my reasonings for seeing a counselor or something. i don't want to misunderstood and i don't want to be judged and i don't want to be passed off and passed over because of misunderstanding.

i really feel this way about the shine band and actually i have felt this way for about four or five months now, like i want to tell them everything so maybe they'll understand why i act the way i do. maybe i just always feel a step below everyone or something.

i don't know. i have a feeling this is going to be one of those posts that i delete the next morning haha

a possibly unethical post as it resulted from eavesdropping

oh man. oh man oh man oh man

so today i went to Muddy Waters (a cafe) to study for earth science, which by the way I don't understand how on earth (no pun intended) i am supposed to remember whether andesite is intermediate or felsic or aphenitic or etc etc etc but that's beside the point.

anyways i was sitting three feet away from an older couple and they were talking - pretty loud too - and i overheard their conversation. i tried not to but they were right there and i guess next time someone eavesdrops on my conversation i'll just let it slide and say i had it coming

anyways again, they were older, maybe in their late forties, maybe fifties and neither one of them was married. they kept talking about finding a girlfriend for the guy and they really said some interesting things that i jotted down...i know this is probably pretty terrible but i will be repaid somehow i'm sure

the one guy seemed really down about his life and seemed to have lost his passion in general and i really felt for him...that is an awful feeling to feel gray and hopeless and almost indifferent...he said, "I guess I just want to die alone....i think the Lord is coming back, so why bother (trying to find anyone) ?" Oh man. I am so glad the woman he was sitting with spoke up because I was ready to jump in on their conversation and tell this man that I seriously doubt that he means that. I don't think he believed it himself. He definitely felt defeated and I wanted to tell him that he is doing the right thing - having coffee with people and maintaining friendships and that he doesn't have to be alone and that he was in that moment taking a good step towards cultivating a relationship...

the woman later on was giving the man advice, telling him to fill his life with activities, hobbies, "quality things," like "a new car," or a "cat." She said that didn't think she could ever get married as she would probably end up taking care of the person and financially it would be difficult, along with having children, and that it wasn't worth it, and so that was what she did - fill her life with quality things. I do think she was right in a sense, you can't just sit around but you have to make your life count and fill it up with activity.

The only thing is, what is more quality than people? a new car?

That was the one thing I just couldn't get past...quality things when the only real quality things are people and God.

I am writing this from a more general sense in terms of relationships, i don't know, I just really felt for this guy because he felt like he was too old and too lonely and that there was no hope for him - yet at the same time he was in a sense taking a step of progress but maybe he just couldn't see it. i wanted to tell these two people so badly...so badly i really had to restrain myself...that maybe they should date each other instead of trying to find dates for the other. haha. but that's besides the point.

I also am writing this in terms of more "romantic" relationships...like maybe it is worth the pain of, not just rejection, but maybe the pain of acceptance too. Sometimes I think I escape behind my religion ("the lord is coming back so, why bother?) to ignore relationships on all different levels, not because of the rejection but because of the acceptance...and i was talking about this with two friends after reading an article about it, which i shall have to shall sometime. In general I am really frustrated with escapism, especially behind religion...carole why don't you just deal with your problem!!!!

wow that was a lot. this conversation really struck me for some reason. I guess I have learned that people are pretty much, next to God, the only thing that really matters and also I don't want to let life pass me by but grab it by the throat and really spend time with people because that's what really matters to me.

one more thing, the woman said people in the north often have low vitamin D levels and that it can make them feel kind of down and I wondering if my grayness is impacted by the weather...but that is a different subject for a different time

thanks for reading. sorry if you think i'm a nosy eavesdropper...because maybe i am =)

trust and things

here is a new post...a very brief one

but as i was leaving counseling wednesday two things really stuck out

1. maybe i have a hard timing trusting (certain) people (and maybe God) because I really don't think they would understand. i don't see how they could possibly understanding how deeply i am feeling something and so i feel like it would be impossible for us to relate and so i just don't say anything because i honestly don't think they would get it - i mean - that not they wouldn't get it, but they wouldn't understand how deeply something has impacted me and they might consider me to be an over-reactor or something and so i bottle it in *****this is not to say that they don't understand or couldn't understand, and who knows maybe they really couldn't...but i do think this is an underestimation of people on my part****

2. my counselor said sometimes when we have been feeling down/sad/grieving for a while we don't feel good about ourselves and that can sometimes lead us to have a more negative perception about ourselves and we lose confidence in ourselves because we haven't been feeling good on the inside...which seems to explain freshman/sophmore years of college and why i isolated myself so much then...i just have to make sure i don't fall into that same pattern again

that's it for now

"Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"

"Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"

6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7If you really knew me, you would know[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him."

8Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us."

9Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'? 10Don't you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. 12I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 14You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
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I feel like I finally understand Thomas' question.