I feel so dead. I feel so desensitized, like I could be depressed but I am too unfeeling and happy and distracted to feel overly sad. I do feel bitter...I have never wanted to swear so much in my life, not out of rage, but out of a discontented, frustrated, indifference that has taken root this past year. I don't know. I feel like the only thing I know is that I don't know. I feel like it so hard to know the truth and then it's hard to make good decisions. Lately I feel like I am wreck, a mess and it's not even the healthy kind that Jesus saves...like prostitutes or whatever judgmental example I can give. I just feel unfeeling but frustrated at my ability to accurately understand who God is. Like I can't discern what is God and what is my projection onto Him. I used to think I was doing the right thing in my teen years by not doing certain things...I thought it was what God wanted but now I see it was inspired by fear. If I believed certain things about God back then that weren't true, acted on those beliefs, and missed out on a lot of great things, then I am scared to think what I am screwing up now by wrong beliefs. I am told not to do it in my own strength but I don't know that means anymore. I really don't. Cliches really get to me know...what do they really mean? Obedience takes some strength. I can't be totally passive. What's the difference between waiting, trusting, and being passive? I don't know. Oh goodness I just don't know.
I want to feel excited about life again. I feel like my faith is slowly being dulled over time and I am losing discernment and discretion and I'm falling asleep or something. And in the midst of all of this I feel so self-centered.
It's so hard...
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