will you still love me in famine
as when love began at the harvest
or would you gain the whole world
son, i love you at your darkest
but what good is the whole world
when i promise no tomorrow
i only promise your tomorrows
will never take you past my palm

love, what is love without trust
at my word would you bring your isaac

son, i loved you at your darkest

-as cities burn

Tired

Things will get better this I promise you and I know it wont feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you and I know we can find a way to make it better...loneliness won't last forever

-spoken

One Last Thought

I am about to go but I wanted to write one quick thought before I leave the lab...

I used to think that I was strong but now I am seeing what a mess I am and I really don't know all the things that I thought I knew. I feel like I need to go back and unlearn a whole bunch of stuff before I can learn new things. This isn't a pity party, don't worry, but I feel like I can realistically look at my life and see hypocrisy, injustice, fear, all this crap that I didn't want to admit to before because I was so focused on trying to be perfect. I thought that if I was perfect or at least came close or tried to be, then I would be accepted. But that is so silly. True acceptance comes in spite of imperfection. I'm really not that strong. I am a proud person and hiding my flaws is a way to keep God at an arm's length. It's like saying, I'm fine, I don't need you to fix me, I have everything under control. But I don't.

Control is completely out of my control. I have a mess on my hands, covering me entirely and I need God to be my strength because I can't keep it all together.

Thank God that when I am weak, then I am strong.

Yay!

I have been reading the ragamuffin gospel and it hit me...

Jesus accepted the little children even though they probably couldn'e even understand why they were accepted by Him. The Blind Man who had his sight restored didn't know anything except that he was blind and now he sees! These two groups had nothing to offer, not even an understanding what just happened.

I don't even have to have the right understanding about things in order to be saved! Jesus saved me and covers me with His grace everyday even though I cannot understand how or why!

I don't have to get it! I don't even know what I don't know but God accepts me because it is conditional upon his grace and love which is neverending! I don't have to try to get it! God's grace covers me no matter what!

I don't know! I don't have the answers! I don't get certain doctrinal stuff and I don't understand my flaws and I don't understand how everything works. I am a little kid with no merit, no understanding, just doesn't get it but I still get to sit on Jesus' lap!

I don't have to understand to receive Christ's love! I am free! Why am i trying to know everything? so i can be in control? because i don't trust? this is silly! I don't have to have the answers in order to experience God's grace and love so I'll quit trying to be perfect, quit trying to earn it, quit trying to receive correctly, and just take it all in! Then I'll naturally love God and other people and live a life of worship!

Growing up

The older i get, the less i know. I really have no clue how adults look so put together. It has to be a facade to some extent. They can't possibly be as assured as they look...sometimes i feel like nobody has the answer but nobody wants to admit it. why is it so important that we look like we have the answers when clearly we don't? i think it's okay to not have the answers...it's going to have to be because i definitely don't have them.

Quote worth pondering for the day...and it's loosely quoted

"Don't go around looking for the right buttons to push God's trigger to get him to act...just come to Him..."

this was such a timely statement. Lately I have been trying to think the right thing, do the right thing, believe the right thing in hopes that maybe it will inspire God to act a certain way, like a subtle version of manipulation. This is just another attempt at trying to control the situation. God is bigger than that, He can work how He pleases, when He pleases, and with whom and so He has the ultimate control...accepting that God has control and that I CAN TRUST HIM gives us the freedom to come to Him, if that makes sense...

so yeah, control and trust issues are going on here...