"Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"

"Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"

6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7If you really knew me, you would know[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him."

8Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us."

9Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'? 10Don't you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. 12I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 14You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
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I feel like I finally understand Thomas' question.

Probably the most depressing entry yet

I feel so dead. I feel so desensitized, like I could be depressed but I am too unfeeling and happy and distracted to feel overly sad. I do feel bitter...I have never wanted to swear so much in my life, not out of rage, but out of a discontented, frustrated, indifference that has taken root this past year. I don't know. I feel like the only thing I know is that I don't know. I feel like it so hard to know the truth and then it's hard to make good decisions. Lately I feel like I am wreck, a mess and it's not even the healthy kind that Jesus saves...like prostitutes or whatever judgmental example I can give. I just feel unfeeling but frustrated at my ability to accurately understand who God is. Like I can't discern what is God and what is my projection onto Him. I used to think I was doing the right thing in my teen years by not doing certain things...I thought it was what God wanted but now I see it was inspired by fear. If I believed certain things about God back then that weren't true, acted on those beliefs, and missed out on a lot of great things, then I am scared to think what I am screwing up now by wrong beliefs. I am told not to do it in my own strength but I don't know that means anymore. I really don't. Cliches really get to me know...what do they really mean? Obedience takes some strength. I can't be totally passive. What's the difference between waiting, trusting, and being passive? I don't know. Oh goodness I just don't know.

I want to feel excited about life again. I feel like my faith is slowly being dulled over time and I am losing discernment and discretion and I'm falling asleep or something. And in the midst of all of this I feel so self-centered.

It's so hard...

will you still love me in famine
as when love began at the harvest
or would you gain the whole world
son, i love you at your darkest
but what good is the whole world
when i promise no tomorrow
i only promise your tomorrows
will never take you past my palm

love, what is love without trust
at my word would you bring your isaac

son, i loved you at your darkest

-as cities burn

Tired

Things will get better this I promise you and I know it wont feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you and I know we can find a way to make it better...loneliness won't last forever

-spoken

One Last Thought

I am about to go but I wanted to write one quick thought before I leave the lab...

I used to think that I was strong but now I am seeing what a mess I am and I really don't know all the things that I thought I knew. I feel like I need to go back and unlearn a whole bunch of stuff before I can learn new things. This isn't a pity party, don't worry, but I feel like I can realistically look at my life and see hypocrisy, injustice, fear, all this crap that I didn't want to admit to before because I was so focused on trying to be perfect. I thought that if I was perfect or at least came close or tried to be, then I would be accepted. But that is so silly. True acceptance comes in spite of imperfection. I'm really not that strong. I am a proud person and hiding my flaws is a way to keep God at an arm's length. It's like saying, I'm fine, I don't need you to fix me, I have everything under control. But I don't.

Control is completely out of my control. I have a mess on my hands, covering me entirely and I need God to be my strength because I can't keep it all together.

Thank God that when I am weak, then I am strong.

Yay!

I have been reading the ragamuffin gospel and it hit me...

Jesus accepted the little children even though they probably couldn'e even understand why they were accepted by Him. The Blind Man who had his sight restored didn't know anything except that he was blind and now he sees! These two groups had nothing to offer, not even an understanding what just happened.

I don't even have to have the right understanding about things in order to be saved! Jesus saved me and covers me with His grace everyday even though I cannot understand how or why!

I don't have to get it! I don't even know what I don't know but God accepts me because it is conditional upon his grace and love which is neverending! I don't have to try to get it! God's grace covers me no matter what!

I don't know! I don't have the answers! I don't get certain doctrinal stuff and I don't understand my flaws and I don't understand how everything works. I am a little kid with no merit, no understanding, just doesn't get it but I still get to sit on Jesus' lap!

I don't have to understand to receive Christ's love! I am free! Why am i trying to know everything? so i can be in control? because i don't trust? this is silly! I don't have to have the answers in order to experience God's grace and love so I'll quit trying to be perfect, quit trying to earn it, quit trying to receive correctly, and just take it all in! Then I'll naturally love God and other people and live a life of worship!

Growing up

The older i get, the less i know. I really have no clue how adults look so put together. It has to be a facade to some extent. They can't possibly be as assured as they look...sometimes i feel like nobody has the answer but nobody wants to admit it. why is it so important that we look like we have the answers when clearly we don't? i think it's okay to not have the answers...it's going to have to be because i definitely don't have them.