"Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"

"Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"

6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7If you really knew me, you would know[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him."

8Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us."

9Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'? 10Don't you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. 12I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 14You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
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I feel like I finally understand Thomas' question.

Probably the most depressing entry yet

I feel so dead. I feel so desensitized, like I could be depressed but I am too unfeeling and happy and distracted to feel overly sad. I do feel bitter...I have never wanted to swear so much in my life, not out of rage, but out of a discontented, frustrated, indifference that has taken root this past year. I don't know. I feel like the only thing I know is that I don't know. I feel like it so hard to know the truth and then it's hard to make good decisions. Lately I feel like I am wreck, a mess and it's not even the healthy kind that Jesus saves...like prostitutes or whatever judgmental example I can give. I just feel unfeeling but frustrated at my ability to accurately understand who God is. Like I can't discern what is God and what is my projection onto Him. I used to think I was doing the right thing in my teen years by not doing certain things...I thought it was what God wanted but now I see it was inspired by fear. If I believed certain things about God back then that weren't true, acted on those beliefs, and missed out on a lot of great things, then I am scared to think what I am screwing up now by wrong beliefs. I am told not to do it in my own strength but I don't know that means anymore. I really don't. Cliches really get to me know...what do they really mean? Obedience takes some strength. I can't be totally passive. What's the difference between waiting, trusting, and being passive? I don't know. Oh goodness I just don't know.

I want to feel excited about life again. I feel like my faith is slowly being dulled over time and I am losing discernment and discretion and I'm falling asleep or something. And in the midst of all of this I feel so self-centered.

It's so hard...

will you still love me in famine
as when love began at the harvest
or would you gain the whole world
son, i love you at your darkest
but what good is the whole world
when i promise no tomorrow
i only promise your tomorrows
will never take you past my palm

love, what is love without trust
at my word would you bring your isaac

son, i loved you at your darkest

-as cities burn

Tired

Things will get better this I promise you and I know it wont feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you and I know we can find a way to make it better...loneliness won't last forever

-spoken

One Last Thought

I am about to go but I wanted to write one quick thought before I leave the lab...

I used to think that I was strong but now I am seeing what a mess I am and I really don't know all the things that I thought I knew. I feel like I need to go back and unlearn a whole bunch of stuff before I can learn new things. This isn't a pity party, don't worry, but I feel like I can realistically look at my life and see hypocrisy, injustice, fear, all this crap that I didn't want to admit to before because I was so focused on trying to be perfect. I thought that if I was perfect or at least came close or tried to be, then I would be accepted. But that is so silly. True acceptance comes in spite of imperfection. I'm really not that strong. I am a proud person and hiding my flaws is a way to keep God at an arm's length. It's like saying, I'm fine, I don't need you to fix me, I have everything under control. But I don't.

Control is completely out of my control. I have a mess on my hands, covering me entirely and I need God to be my strength because I can't keep it all together.

Thank God that when I am weak, then I am strong.

Yay!

I have been reading the ragamuffin gospel and it hit me...

Jesus accepted the little children even though they probably couldn'e even understand why they were accepted by Him. The Blind Man who had his sight restored didn't know anything except that he was blind and now he sees! These two groups had nothing to offer, not even an understanding what just happened.

I don't even have to have the right understanding about things in order to be saved! Jesus saved me and covers me with His grace everyday even though I cannot understand how or why!

I don't have to get it! I don't even know what I don't know but God accepts me because it is conditional upon his grace and love which is neverending! I don't have to try to get it! God's grace covers me no matter what!

I don't know! I don't have the answers! I don't get certain doctrinal stuff and I don't understand my flaws and I don't understand how everything works. I am a little kid with no merit, no understanding, just doesn't get it but I still get to sit on Jesus' lap!

I don't have to understand to receive Christ's love! I am free! Why am i trying to know everything? so i can be in control? because i don't trust? this is silly! I don't have to have the answers in order to experience God's grace and love so I'll quit trying to be perfect, quit trying to earn it, quit trying to receive correctly, and just take it all in! Then I'll naturally love God and other people and live a life of worship!

Growing up

The older i get, the less i know. I really have no clue how adults look so put together. It has to be a facade to some extent. They can't possibly be as assured as they look...sometimes i feel like nobody has the answer but nobody wants to admit it. why is it so important that we look like we have the answers when clearly we don't? i think it's okay to not have the answers...it's going to have to be because i definitely don't have them.

Quote worth pondering for the day...and it's loosely quoted

"Don't go around looking for the right buttons to push God's trigger to get him to act...just come to Him..."

this was such a timely statement. Lately I have been trying to think the right thing, do the right thing, believe the right thing in hopes that maybe it will inspire God to act a certain way, like a subtle version of manipulation. This is just another attempt at trying to control the situation. God is bigger than that, He can work how He pleases, when He pleases, and with whom and so He has the ultimate control...accepting that God has control and that I CAN TRUST HIM gives us the freedom to come to Him, if that makes sense...

so yeah, control and trust issues are going on here...

control

On the Safest Ledge by Copeland

Don't look ahead, just run to me
Each step will find the next one recklessly
We'll find ourselves on the safest ledge
Well pardon me, I couldn't help myself
Girl, fall into your life here
If only for a while, I'm here

Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine, lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here, safe in my arms
It's fine, it's fine

You felt alone before you ever really knew how alone you were
An empty house, a lonely room
The TV talks the fear right out of you
But you feel like someone's standing by but you'll never know

Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine, lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here, safe in my arms
It's fine

The sun burns a hole straight through your old flaws
If you look toward the sky even on your greyest night

Could you be happy now, with the wind in your hair
And your eyes open wide and your feet going nowhere?
Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine, lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here, safe in my arms
It's fine

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It's so hard to trust God and give up control and let yourself fall like a stone and be content in the freedom of not knowing!!!

First Blog

So I've copied and pasted this from my facebook note. I hope that's okay. I've decided to start a new blog because I feel like it's a new season in my life but I'll post the links to my other two blogs (one's dedicated to my artwork and the other one is old)

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(I'm not one to write notes but my motivation behind writing will be more clear after you read it...) I was talking with my friend tonight and we were talking about how decisions can be so hard to make and so easy to scrutinize and how we need other people...she basically summarized everything i've been thinking about these past few months regarding openness, community, fear, overthinking, trust...all that stuff...and she asked a really good question that says it all to me right now: which is worse, rejection or regret? is it better to be open and possibly get hurt, or to clam up and protect yourself, but live with regret?

To summarize what i think is going to be my first written post in the blog, lately i have been learning how crucial it is to be open and honest with people. i feel like i have spent my whole life clammed up and shy and honestly it sucks. It's true that I didn't say many things that I might regret saying, but at the same time I have regretted keeping quiet, if that makes sense.

I guess it's all about trust too, trusting that people will give you grace when you are open and put yourself out there, that they won't misinterpret or judge you but seek to be understanding. and i think it goes the other way around too, that i have to be understanding of people and accept them when they are open with me.

i guess i'm just tired of being silent when inside i'm burning up...haha...wow that sounds so angsty but at any rate i have learned that people are wonderful and life is so much better when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open about your life. i just hope i can find a healthy balance being open but also being wise.

My friend and i both agreed that we are going to start a blog so we can share these thoughts with other people. i'm not sure if i am going start using my xanga again because frankly its a little embarassing haha but i do have my blogspot for my art...we'll see...i'll add the url when i decide.

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